


If You Want I'll Keep on Crying

by kawaiikanai



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Death, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 03:38:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3675960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiikanai/pseuds/kawaiikanai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil goes to visit his best friend for the first time after a confession gone wrong.<br/>Song: Cemetery Drive - My Chemical Romance</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Want I'll Keep on Crying

I stare at your picture, fingers grazing down your cheek as I take another swig of vodka, grimacing at the taste. I sit down on the cold stone steps, the night air around me thin and cold, raising goose bumps on my skin. I was never really one for drinking, but it’s become a habit. It dulls my mind enough to be able to think about you without the pain.

You look so damn happy in this photo, dimples showing and eyes bright. I never knew you were lying to me, to everyone, about how you really felt. I thought I knew everything that went on in your head; we were best friends after all. I was so wrong.

~

“Hey, Phil?” I looked over to you on the other side of the sofa, knees hugged up to your chest. It was our regular movie night we always made time for no matter how busy we were. I took them for granted, but they were some of the best times with you; just joking and chatting over stuff we loved.

“Yeah?”

You fingered at the hole in your hoodie, more timid than usual, especially around me. “Have you ever been in love?”

It was a heavy question, one I wasn’t prepared for. “Well, I think so, maybe… Why?”

Your cheeks flushed and you tried to cover it with your fringe. “I think I’m in love.”

I gasped, jumping up to pause the movie and sitting back down closer to you, giving you my full attention. “Really?” Who is it?” I couldn’t recall you mentioning anyone recently, so I really had no clue who it could be.

You glanced at me, lips pressed together, not answering me. I shoved your leg playfully, making you jump. “Come on, you can tell me.”

“It’s hard for me to say.” You were so nervous but I thought you were just embarrassed.

I sighed, scooting even closer to you and wrapping my arm around your shoulder for support. “Tell me about them.” I really did want to know who could possibly be making you act so weird.

“They’re really amazing.” You started, gulping. “They always know what to say to lift me up and I find a smile on my face whenever I’m around them. They radiate so much imagination and I’m mesmerized by it all the time, making me feel almost not worthy of them.” You took a deep breath, shoulders relaxing as you got your words off your chest. “They’re so gorgeous but they don’t realize it no matter how many times they’re told because they’re so modest. I could go on for hours about their eyes, hair, smile, their whole body. They’re truly a work of art.”

“Wow,” I said, surprised by such a worded description. “You sound like you’ve fallen for them hard.”

You nodded. “So much so that it hurts.” You fingers laced together, knuckles turning white. “I just don’t know if I should tell them. It might ruin things.”

“You never know unless you try.” I encouraged, wanting you to run out and tell the person you loved how you felt so you could be happy. “If they’re as amazing as you make them out to be, even if they don’t feel the same way back I’m sure they’ll understand.”

“Are you sure?” You asked, looking at me with desperate eyes.

“I’m sure.”

“Promise?”

I raised my hands in oath. “I promise, Dan.”

That’s when you crashed your lips to mine.

~

I throw my now empty vodka bottle at the marble wall, it smashing into bits and pieces with a satisfying sound. Why did you have to kiss me, Dan? You could have just said how you felt and not have shocked me so much. You threw yourself at me and… you just ruined us!

We’d been together for years, laughing together and working together; everything was perfect. Then you had to go ahead and pull that crap! I throw the picture of you but it’s not like the bottle, it floating down slowly like a feather from a bird after taking flight. The picture finally lands among the strewn pebbles and shards of glass.

I stare at it, the image of you on the floor flashing before me and I scramble to grab it, knees dropping to the ground and quickly wiping off the dirt before cradling it to my chest. What have I done?

I’m so sorry, Dan! I didn’t mean to do it again. Please, Dan, forgive me.

~

I pushed you away, eyes wide in disbelief. Dan just kissed me. This had to be a dream.

“Phil,” your voice shook so much, along with the rest of your body, “I l-love you.”

Had I heard those words correctly? Were they really addressed to me? You had never given me any kind of sign that you had feelings for me other than friendship. Sure, there were moments we shared when I wondered how you could be so comfortable with me; cuddling under blankets on cold nights and even sharing a bed sometimes. You had said before that you liked doing those things with friends, so I took it as normal and nothing more.

You having those kinds of feeling for me… It just didn’t feel right to me. I didn’t feel the same way and you suddenly throwing yourself at me, opening your heart to me and begging me to accept it… It was too much.

“No.” I told you, pushing you to arm’s length. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. My mind was drawing a blank and wouldn’t let me put proper sentences together. “I don’t…”

You looked at me, mortified. You had given me your heart and I’d crushed it in the same hand you would hold in confidence as we watched horror movies together. Your expression stung me, it still does to this day, and I felt the need to flee. I couldn’t breathe, the tension suffocating me. I got up and grabbed my keys, leaving you alone in the apartment we shared.

~

I stare at the plaque on the wall through the iron gate, tears blurring my vision and making the moonlight cast on it gleam. I hope you know, they put the worst of suits on you. I tried to tell them to get you that one with the skulls you liked so much, but they wouldn’t listen to me. They didn’t really give me a say in anything, even though I knew you the best. In the end, I was just a friend, not family or anything important. I didn’t count for anything; even after what you said.

~

I got back home to music flooding the flat. I can’t tell you how long I had been out, my mind so lost in thought it felt like only minutes in retrospect. I followed the music, taking a deep breath as I prepared myself to try to talk to you. I still hadn’t figured out what to say, every rehearsed speech in my head not sounding right. As I drew closer to your room I realized the music was from beyond it, coming from the bathroom. I knocked on the door fairly hard, making it boom over the music. “Dan?”

Nothing except for that awful music. I tried again, pounding harder, and calling your name over and over. Still nothing. The door was locked tight, the knob not budging in my hand. What were you doing in there? Were you really ignoring me? “Dan, if you don’t open the door right now, I’m-“

I heard an odd ‘plop’ as I stepped forward and I looked down. My eyes wanted to deny to my brain what I was seeing, but they couldn’t, the red patch in the carpet slowly spreading.

“Dan?!” I pounded my shoulder against the door, but no luck. I whipped out my phone and dialed 999, telling them my fears. The operator had to listen to me pleading to you, sobbing as I begged you to open the door. I told you I was sorry and we could talk about things. If only you’d open the damn door.

The police arrived and made me back away as they broke down the door, it crashing against the wall. As soon as I saw you, slumped against the outside of the tub, I pushed past them, falling to the floor in front of you and grabbing your shoulders. “Dan!” I shook you so hard your head bounced, eyes closed and pale lips parted. The red was everywhere; flowing through the tile cracks and getting all over our jeans.

I could see the traces of tears on you face and I wiped at them with my thumb, streaking red across your cheek.

Someone pulled me away, my hands reaching out to grasp at you but they just pulled me farther away, the others swarming around you like vultures. One grabbed your arm, turning it up and I saw the source of the crimson mess. Long lines from wrist to inner elbow, made with such precision and straightness.

I felt my body sink into the arms holding me, letting them drag me away to the end of the hall where I sat, motionless. I think they tried talking to me, hands waving in front of my face, but I couldn’t speak. I’d forgotten how.

I stared at my hands, the reddest things I’d ever seen. This wasn’t real. This was a dream, a mirage, an illusion, anything but reality. I’d much rather lose my mind than lose you.

I told myself this, my brain buzzing and ears ringing, trying to hold myself together until one of them knelt down in front of me and placed a piece of paper in my hand.

‘To Phil’

~

I open the letter, the red smudges from my fingers that day smeared in places but the words still legible. My eyes gaze over it, not taking in what they actually say. It took me a long time to make myself finally do this. I’ve held this note so many times, my fingers tracing over my name. I couldn’t open it down at the police station, at your funeral, or even yesterday.

It’s taken almost a fifth of vodka and me coming to visit you for the first time so I can read it right in front of you.

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, and make myself read.

~

Phil, 

I guess my time spent working up the courage to tell you how I feel was for nothing. I understand that you don’t feel the same way I do, and I want you to know that it’s ok. Nothing you did made me do this, and nothing you could have said would have stopped me. I’ve had this note written up for a while now in case things turned out like this.

I just can’t take this pain in my heart anymore. The bittersweet aching when you’re near and the emptiness when you’re not. It’s like I need you to breathe. You saying you loved me would have made me the happiest man on the planet, but i guess that just wasn’t meant to be.

This isn’t just another ‘existential crisis’ that I’ll get over; it’s consuming me. I’ve loved you ever since I first saw you, and upon meeting you you became my life. We shared everything and I regret none of it except for the fact that I let myself fall in too deep. What would be the point in continuing my life knowing I can’t have the one thing I desire?

So, I’m ending it, and I want you to know that NONE of it is your fault. I know you feel like it is, but this was my choice. It’s not your fault for not loving me, just like it’s not my fault for loving you. I want you to cherish what we had and I hope that you find someone to love that can see your amazingness as well as I did.

Goodbye, my friend,

Dan

~

A bright light blinds me and I put up my hand. “Phil?” I hear someone call from the bottom of the stairs. The beam of light moves away from my face and through the dots in my vision I see PJ. “I thought I might find you here.”

He comes towards me, stuffing the torch in his coat pocket. I just look at him, feeling the partly dried tears pull at my cheeks. He sighs, looking me over and holding out a hand. “Phil, it’s time to come home. It’s dark and cold, you’ll get sick.”

This isn’t the first time PJ or Chris has had to hunt me down, one of them going out to look for me while the other staying at our place in case I stumble through the door. They’ve taken me into their house, since I can’t stand to look at ours, and taken such good care of me in your absence; never showing frustration or pity, only understanding.

I stand up, wobbly and PJ has to brace me, but I straighten up. “Peej…” my voice is horse, not having used it a lot lately, “I read it.”

His eyebrows raise, not even having to see what’s in my hand to know what I’m talking about. “And?”

I look down, gathering the will to speak. “He’d already decided what he was going to do if I said ‘no’. He had it planned out.” I feel tears start again, bursting into sobs and PJ wraps his arms around me, holding me tight.

“Then there’s nothing you could have done.” He assures, talking into my shoulder, “It’s not your fault.”

I start blabbering nonsense, my mouth losing any filter between it and my emotions and thoughts. “If I’d have known that’s what he was going to do I could have done something. I could have pretended for him! I could have told him I loved him and he’d have been happy! He’d still be here.”

“But it would have been a lie.”

I pull away, wiping at my face. “I feel like I’ve lost a part of me, PJ. He was like a soul mate, only not… I don’t even know.”

PJ rubs my back, “I know, Phil, but Dan wouldn’t have wanted you to be fake. He wouldn’t have wanted you to sacrifice your happiness for his own.”

“I know, Peej. I know.” I do. I know you did so much for me and don’t want me to dwell on what you did, but on who you were and what we shared. I’ve been trying for so long, but I’ve been stuck on that day. Your note was your goodbye; I knew that, so I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. It’s what I needed to do for solace, so I made myself wait to punish myself for not being able to save you from yourself. I know now that I didn’t need to.

PJ holds out his hand again, coaxing me to leave and I take it, touching the rough gate before I follow him down the steps. I pause at the bottom, letting go of PJ’s hand to turn back. I can see the moon overhead, reflected rays shining down on your place of rest. “I hope you’re happy wherever you are.” I whisper, hoping you hear me.

I feel PJ touch my back, but when I turn around he’s already at his car door, climbing in.

My heart skips and I feel a smile spread over my face, chest swelling and warming. I know you’ll always be there for me, just like you use to be.


End file.
